Glanced down at your watch.
8:01 pm

He said 8… and that he was 5 minutes away 10 minutes ago. Where the hell is he?

It’s not too late to cancel. A nice evening in your PJs sounds really good right now with a glass of Pinot and some reality TV trash. But what excuse would you use to cancel?
You’re not feeling well?Not gonna work. Might make him want to bring you soup or something.
You’re ex-boyfriend came back from out of the country and won’t leave?
Nah, then he might want to be all macho and try to fight with your imaginary ex.
Too late, he just pulled up in his…

what the hell is that? A MINIVAN?
Oh dear God!
…in his MiniVan.
Better text your roommate and tell him where you are so that in case you die he has some hints for the cops as to where to find your body.
How do I get myself into these situations?
He steps out of the car. He’s a lot shorter than you remember. He has a disturbing limp to his walk; as if the limp is sexy. And you put on your best smile and say a prayer for safety as you get into Dude’s Mini Van.When he rang your doorbell several hours ago to install your cable you didn’t think that same night you would have agreed to go on a date with the CABLE GUY. But he was really nice and when he asked if he could take you to dinner some time you didn’t think saying “sounds like fun” would mean “Pick me up at 8”. And the fact that your roommate thought it was cute didn’t help. And that from this day forward you have to live with the fact that you went out with the “Cable Guy.”

Inside the minivan, you fidget. You’re nervous. It’s okay. You only just met this guy. Let’s work on some small talk.

So, do you take all your clients on dates? (insert awkward laugh)
He looks at you and half smiles
“Depends, do you go on dates with the Con Ed Guy, The Fresh Direct Guy, or the Pizza guy?”
Ohh shit. Houston, we have an asshole.
Cable guy drives to a Brazilian steakhouse. An All-You- Can- Eat joint.
Doesn’t this dude know these are bad for first dates?
Cable guy gives the maitre’d a handshake and you’re immediately seated. And then you’re pretty sure it goes south from there.While rudely chewing his steak with his mouth open he starts the interrogation.

“Whachu you do for a livin’?”
I’m a lawyer.
“Wow, that’s really cool! I was arrested once.”
CHOKE.
“Hol’ up… Nah, nah, nah, I got arrested like 3 times”
Really. Why is that cool?
“Cause yous a lawyer”
Please don’t ask for a business card.
O-Kay. So you’ve been arrested. What were you arrested for?
“The first time was cause some guy pushed me on the train so I broke his nose.”Cable guy takes a second to finish the meat that he’s currently chewing while you take large sips of your wine.

“The second time was cause I got shot and dey thought I was involved…wanna see where dey got me?”

Aaaaaaand I want to die. I would rather be shot than stay on this date.
No, that’s okay…(he starts unbuttoning his shirt)…
no really, its fine! (pulls off his shirt and revels a scar the size of a quarter)
Wow. That’s a gunshot wound…
My mom is going to kill me when she finds out I went out with this model citizen.
“Yeah, No biggie. Then the last time I got locked up was ‘cause my ex called the cops on me”
Oh, well, glad to see you made it out. Its getting late and I gotta get up REALLY
EARLY.
“That’s cool. I got to go to group before work tomorrow… So I know how it is”
Group?
Oh God- he’s in THERAPY?
“Yeah. Anger Management”
I see… Well, Thank you so much for dinner.
You and Cable Guy start to walk towards the MiniVan.“When Can I see you again?”

I’d rather lick the toilet of a public restroom than go out with you again.

Oh, I dunno. I’m really busy these days. But I can call you when I’m free.

Whew.
“Okay Mami”Just as you thought you made it out of this ordeal without any REALLY awkward moments Cable Guy pulls the mini van over and leans in for a kiss…

************************
So, Did you kiss him?
Only one way to find out. See Part two Next week!